To the one who didn’t love me enough to stay.

I told you that I didn’t care the day you ended it between us. I told everybody else that I didn’t let you phase me. I thought this enchanting feeling that overwhelmed me every time we were together was something that could easily be replaced with an acquaintance who would give me proper admiration. The more I tried forgetting the memories we compiled, the more I realized you never left my mind. I realized the more I convinced everybody I had forgotten, I found the person I was supposed to hate, accumulating every space of my existence. That was when I realized that we, as people, talk about the things we hate the most. We don’t realize that we are doing it. In the end, the things that we hate the most  are the things we care most about. The things we let destroy us at three in the morning while we toss and turn in our wits, and wonder why we weren’t enough, are the things that intellectually have control over us.

As spring turned to summer, and summer turned to fall, I found myself outside watching the crisp autumn leaves fall and I sat and wondered why I wasn’t enough. I played back the first time your smile encountered mine. Did you find someone with a more stunning smile than mine?  Did I say something wrong when the first words escaped my mouth? I pictured the outfit I was wearing. I remembered the way I radiated, as my confidence beamed from my smile. I was always told my smile could light up an entire room. But, why couldn’t I light up yours? The more and more I pondered each question, the more I realized  no response amounted from them. The question that hurt me the most, was why you left me with the burden of figuring out these accusations. The truth was, you didn’t care if I did or not. You left with the intentions of leaving me, wondering why I wasn’t enough. As the fall leaves slowly disappeared, I found myself watching the snow flakes fall as they assembled perfectly in my vision. I realized every time I saw a new season, that you hadn’t gone away as time continued on. Time was redeemed as frozen in my mind, yet the world carried on. I look over at the television that played my favorite movies, the ones you said you didn’t care enough to watch with me. Not long after, my room begins to flood with my favorite songs; The ones you would turn off to instead play yours. Why were my interests never enough for you? That grin of yours was enough for me to forget the most important things that accompanied my own mind. Instead, I believed you. I loved you enough to replace your likings with mine. Soon enough, we watched your favorite films, and my music was replaced with yours. As time went on, my calls and texts were ignored and I should have realized you had intentions of leaving me the way you did all along.

I remembered all of the fun times we had together. Did you think about them the same way that I did? As days turned into months and months turned into years, the same questions seemed to repeat themselves. Those questions remain with still no response. I flash back to the deep conversations we shared as we discussed our pasts over dinner. I thought of all the times I went out of my way to see your eyes light up the way I once saw them. Yet, you never did the same for me. The more I found myself in thought, a new season passed and I watched the leaves drift across the firm grass. Here was another year that left me wondering what I could have done to save us. I began to dwell on the past we once had. The older I became, the wiser my thoughts became. I found myself discussing you over dinner with my family  and they told me to just forget about the lovely times we once shared. The difference between me and you, was I couldn’t seem to forget about you the way you did me. It crushed me knowing I left the person who mattered to me the most and it left me searching for a conclusion. I was left wondering why I couldn’t satisfy the needs that you desired. It seems that was always the difference between you and me.

I found myself the following year bringing you up to mutual friends, and I could never bring myself to wish bad upon you. I knew that I was respected enough as a person to not ruin things over your cruel behaviors. But, I still wonder was it cruelty or just that you were inconsiderate.  As time continued on, it didn’t seem to matter. You had long forgotten the experiences we shared together. That smile of mine that “lit up everybody’s room”, didn’t seem to have the same magical effect on you, just as it didn’t  the previous three years. Maybe thinking  I could change us back to how we were before was just silly.  It seemed as if you found the same characteristics  you loved in me in other people. Despite the memories we created, you seemed to find pleasantry in  sharing those same things with anyone other than myself.  To this day, I would never think anything but good thoughts when your name is brought up mutually or on accident. I know at some points, I found myself defending you for your wrongs and occasionally drifting into further conversation, because I missed you.  That was the moment I knew, I would’ve never left you the way you left me.

Sadness overcomes me less and less, but the feeling you left me with lingers. I still think about you when one of the songs  you once adored comes on. I find myself asking people how you are. I find myself worrying about you, when I know it isn’t my job anymore. I wish the best for you in any further relationship  you decide to venture into. I hope that  one day you find the love  you decided couldn’t be discovered in me in somebody else. More and more, I find myself thinking these things because I hope you don’t leave them the way you left me.

Wondering why they weren’t enough for you.

 

 

16 things I learned in 16 years.

To the person waiting for a change. I have felt your pain as I’ve learned and grown older, and wiser. I wanted to spread light upon a topic that is extremely important to me.

Love.  At a young age, you watch as others around you perceive love. You watch all the fairy tales and chick flicks, and believe that in the end, things will never go sour. As much as everybody wants to believe that things always will work out, they don’t.

As you grow up you go out into the world of dating (as I have been trying), you get your heart-broken for the first time. There is nothing more hurtful in this entire world, than being told you were not what somebody wanted. That you did everything for this person but it never seemed to be enough. It’s not your fault. You are everything. If somebody is not thankful for your presence in their life, than they are not the ones you need to be wasting it on. Being enough should not be what you are looking to change. It is the standard you hold for yourself.

“If you miss somebody who does not miss you, or is no good for you, or is unattainable, take the love you love felt for them, and spread it in other places. Put your love in worthwhile people and things. Turn the romance into passions and hobbies or admiration for others enrich your own life. Focus on yourself and those who actively make you happy”

-anonymous

Standards are so important for love. I fell into my own trap many times. Every time I received attention from somebody, I fell in. I didn’t know better but to believe what they were telling me. Chances are, they are doing the same exact thing to others. They are feeding you what you want to hear; even though, most of the time it’s not going to happen. I had to change my standards. I realized that I was being walked upon, because I was allowing it to happen. I was taking attention, from anybody that wanted to give it to me. So I changed that. YOU, need to change that. Wait for somebody better than that. One day you will come upon somebody that won’t give up on you. That isn’t feeding the same silly comments to everyone else. They will realize how amazing you are. The best things always take time to come. Stop hurting yourself in the process.

Also, in the mean time in waiting for this person, you need to love yourself first. The most important thing is knowing who you are and what you know you deserve. You are deserving of love, kindness, and care. Do not settle for anybody who won’t provide that for you. You do not need anybody who thinks of you as any less of what you think of yourself. You are deserving of somebody who wants to see you at your worst times. You are deserving of somebody who would stop at nothing, just to see you smile. Someone who would drop anything, to provide for you. Someone who enjoys and takes pride in the things you love. Somebody who would love you through anything. Do not settle for anything less, darling. There is a person out there waiting for you. Stop searching. At the right time, they will find their way to you.

Lastly, always remember that no matter what you will always be enough. These people who left you, never intended to stay. They did not deserve you. Love is never going to be a walk through a garden. Sometimes it’s that walk through the rain. It’s never going to be easy finding the people that deserve, and don’t deserve to be in your life. But you will figure it out along the way. You are going to get your heart-broken many times. It’s reaching down and picking up the broken pieces with a smile. Realizing that you will find the one who will do it for you one day. Time and patience is the best key to a strong; healthy relationship. You deserve nothing but the best, love.

Do not settle for anything less.

“Do not chase another human being, instead chase your curiosity. Chase your development and your goals. Chase your passion. Strive to work for something better than yourself, and instead of trying to convince somebody that you don’t fit into their world-build your own”

-b.s

7 ways old souls live differently.

In many ways, I have discovered how old my soul really is. This can be quite difficult living in a world like we do today. What exactly is an old soul? An old soul is somebody that feels as if they are not in place with today’s society, but more with one that was in the past. A soul that has lived through many, many vast decades. I have realized being an old soul is actually a really important trait in today’s society. We think deeper; explore more, and help find a deeper meaning to life. We also, tend to live life pretty simply. Here are 7 ways that old souls live differently in the 21st century.

We are often known as the “Mothers” of the group.

If you are anything like me you have been addressed this status of the group more than once. You prefer to be the one looking out for everybody else, and you find joy in this as well. You prefer to stay home most of the time and find joy reading a good book, and being alone. You usually would take this over hanging out with a big group of people, going to a party, and taking part in decisions like partying; drinking etc. You never really went through the “partying phase.” You are usually the one who is not constantly found hooking up with new guys, but watches from afar as many of your friends do. You are often mistaken for being 10 years older than you actually are, just because of the way you think and perceive things.

We would rather listen and watch music and movies  from the 70’s

Old souls, can stand the music and movies from the 21st century, but would much rather explore older forms of it. We would much rather watch classic movies than watch movies that display no meaning.  We wonder why people get so hyped over movies, that literally have no meaning.  We would rather listen to The Rolling Stones, Elvis, Elton john, and Billy Joel over Rhianna, and Katy Perry. We like to find meaning and sense in everything that we do and these music and movies are just not cutting it.

We hate small talk. 

If you are anything like me you know how hard it is to find a boy or girl for that matter, that you can talk to on a daily basis. This is because you crave more than the “Whats up” and “I’m bored” comments that you receive daily; when trying to have a formal conversation. As old souls, we want to know, how you think the universe was created. This is usually why we don’t have many friends. We want somebody that is going to be more than small talk. We crave to know more about the world, and what is going on  in other people’s minds.

We are bad at relationships.

As old souls, we are looking for somebody that isn’t drowning in today’s media. We prefer a more “old school” way of having a relationship. We don’t want to have to constantly post about you, or like your Facebook posts. We would much rather keep our relationship much more private, and only portray a little bit of it on social media. We are also looking for somebody that is just as adventurous as us. One that will always be there at our beck and call. Ready to explore more of the world; try new things, explore meaning in life, and  deeper meaning to ourselves as people. This is usually why we find it difficult to find a relationship like this in the 21st century. We tend to turn away many boys/girls because of this problem of ours.

We are fascinated with a certain time era, and are convinced you were born in the wrong era. 

I am utterly convinced I was alive  in the 50’s, or a time around then. As old souls, we tend to be very connected to a certain era; as if we have lived it all before. This is usually presented to you in forms of books, people, music, pictures, and places. You seem to be very connected to these for a reason. I always have been fascinated with the way people lived. The music and the feel of the world during that time period. Old souls, are convinced, they are like this because they have lived once before in that time era, and reincarnated to live again now.

You are often the source of advice for your friends

As old souls, we are told we are very wise for our age. It is almost like we have lived lots of times and gained knowledge that is present in us now. We are usually the ones that our friends will come to when they are in need of advice with love, life, career wise etc. We love to help others, and guide them onto the right path when they are lost. Old souls often contemplate the meaning of life, which is why they know so much about it.

No mater what, you feel as if you don’t fit in with people your age. 

As a teenager we are supposed to be playing sports, hanging out with friends, and be constantly on the move. For me, I was never drawn to it, or at least not as I got older. I enjoyed playing sports, and being a teenager, but in an old souls head, you are constantly pulling between what you SHOULD be and who you really are. This is who I knew I should be, but was it who I really was? Some start to feel this way  as you become a young adult, college and partying doesn’t really appeal to you at all. You would much rather prefer to be with people much older than you. Old souls are always on the move for more knowledge, a greater meaning of life, and they receive this from people who have lived it yet again in this life.

The power of energy within us.

The moment I realized this easy, but vast concept, I was kind of in awe. The effect of collecting others energy  is something that will be surrounding you for the rest of your life. Understanding this, resolved everything for me. I found the root of the cause. The explanation of why my energy level was down in the dumps; for months. When I comprehended the reason, I started thinking very profoundly about this concept. We, as humans, pick up on contagious energy, which is not always the finest for us. Especially,  if it is affecting us negatively. What do I mean by this you ask? People give off energy. No matter if it is  sadness, happiness, or any other emotion. We seem to pick up on the energy that we border ourselves with daily. I started to realize this, when I started feeling drained. Drained physically, emotionally, and mentally.  I seemed to pick up on everybody’s else’s energy. This was draining me.  I was in a household, that was not very supportive to my views; and future lifestyle. Also, at a school that wasn’t  very accepting as well. I started picking up anger, resent, and sadness from the others around me. Because this energy surrounded me daily, and as humans we observe our surroundings, it can take a toll on our state of mind, body, and personal health. I never felt like I could catch up. I was always a step behind myself. Even though I felt self- assured in myself, who I was meant to be, and my future, my emotions seemed to skyrocket all over the place. When somebody is angry, we become angry. When somebody is sad, we automatically become said. When somebody is constantly happy, we always seem happy around them. Easy, right? Well then why do we choose to surround ourselves with beings that tend to bring the worst out of us?

That is when I made the change. The change that could change who you are, eternally. Surrounding yourself with people that bring the greatest out of you, and feed towards your energy. Not take it away. Somebody that is constantly sad, with themselves, or their life, is going to rub off on you. You will begin to see this transforming you. Into somebody sad. This can happen even when their situation has nothing to do with yours. I began to make the change of finding people that complemented my energy. Suddenly,  I felt a change in myself. I have found new support and love, that I feel daily now. There are many different types of people that will lower your energy, and here are just a few.

 

  • Somebody that is sad with their life, their body image, their money, or their looks, is somebody that you need to look out for. Yes of course, everybody gets down in the dumps on certain days, but if it is an ongoing constant struggle with this person, and they don’t receive help, you will soon start to feel the same exact way as them. You will start to pick up on this negative energy they are surrounding themselves with daily. You will soon start to feel down with these categories as well.

 

  • Somebody that constantly needs reassurance in their life, and mentally, physically, and emotionally drains us to receive that.
  • Somebody that constantly tells you, you are the problem in a friendship, relationship, etc.

 

  • Somebody that limits the way they think, believe, and interpret things in life, will begin to make you very close minded, and open to receiving negative energy.

 

  • Somebody that has continuous drama, and is always in search of it, will mentally drain you. Having a full plate, is very stressful. When you have somebody that needs to have it repeatedly, it will take its toll on you as well. When you let yourself be a part of this person’s life you won’t ever catch a break. Having constant drama is very dangerous for a person, and stress and anxiety will start to flourish from this. Surround yourself with people that don’t have a constant need to have something happen in their lives. Peace and happiness will find it’s way to you again.

 

  • Somebody that is always angry, for no apparent reason. This person could be a coworker, a friend, or maybe even a significant other to you. No matter the situation, you will feel anger as well. Verbal abuse, and physical abuse, are usually the sprouts of the type of anger. When you start to feel the same way as the person surrounding you  it will cause you to find a way to solve this. Usually  leading  you into fighting back with the same power. The only way to not pick up on this constant anger, is to of course leave the situation. Anger is something that is very easily transferred from one person to another. Soon enough, you will be an angry person, just like the people you are around. Our mental, physical, and emotional health should come before anybody’s else’s, and you should not let other people change it. Unless, of course, in a positive and uplifting way.
  • One that fears the future, doesn’t take risks, and is afraid of certain outcomes, may rub off on you.  

 

  • One that takes advantage of your love, your kindness, and your friendship.  

 

  • One that abuses drugs, alcohol, etc. To feel a certain way, and is convinced they can’t survive without having it. 

 

      *  One that is negative in general, is an issue waiting to happen. One that doesn’t support your way of life, your future, your beliefs, and your morals, can be a major issue. When we feel doubt in ourselves, it is usually because somebody else has told us we can’t do something, or we can’t be somebody. These types of people suck out our positive energy, and fill you with their negative. This may because you are vulnerable and they take advantage of you. Or maybe because you are easily manipulated. Either way, we start to pay attention, and soon enough, we start to no longer believe in our selves. All that we are and what we are made of. We must realize these people that are doing this to us. We need people around us to build our energy up, not tear it down. 

These are just some people  that are in our lives. When I looked through this list, there was several different people I thought of for each category. I don’t surround myself with those people anymore. I began to find  space within myself after all this negative energy from others was cleared out. Then, I became me again. The one that radiates positive energy as much as I can. The person inside me that looks to help, and inspire others. The side of me I want everybody to see. The people that we choose to be in our lives, is always going to affect us. Please look at this list, and take this tool into consideration. Surround yourself daily with people that bring you the positive emotions that make life beautiful, and you will see a change in you.

xoxo, Isabella

First chapter: “The stars I saw in him.” (Romance novel) 

 

 


 

1954

Present day

It was fall time in New York; where it all began. My day starts like usual. As I wake up, I toss my comforter off my icy, delicate, body. My eyes flutter as I sit up and heave my hair away from my face. As my feet grasp the floor  I walk over to my glass sliders that reveal the most gorgeous view known to man. Or I guess, in my outlook.

The fall time in New York City was so enchanting. A small compliance of leaves accompanies the crisp dull air just to tie off the loud  awakening of the metropolitan each morning. I get to watch the whole world wake up. It was very fascinating to me. There is something about watching the world when you’re lonely. You watch couples, as they stroll by displaying their affection for another as they observe the city. Then, you see those people who are contemplating. They are not sure what to do in this huge world. They are looking. You can tell they are doing this because there is an enthusiasm in their eye, that needs to be satisfied. Either they are looking to find themselves in the city, or for someone else to find them. They are usually walking with their heads downcast, or with the chatter accompanying them as they walk through the park silently.

They are blocking out the world. They don’t want to be bothered. This is either because they have given up on the exquisite sights and sounds nature has provided for us, or just because they have not found what they are looking for yet.

I consider me of these many people who meander the city. I am still looking. I am looking for something that I have not found yet. It may be myself, it may be somebody else, it may be something. You see, I never was quite sure. I am looking for something, yet I don’t know what yet. This happens when everything you ever knew what was taken from you. I began to understand these people, who I always thought were pities to the universe.

My further escape, was watching the night sky after the city had cleared. It gives you guidance. It gives you hope. Maybe this vast world has a lot to offer; just when you begin to seek and look for it. For me, I saw stars in people. My star was always, Lawrence. When he vanished from my life, he left me looking. Looking for a star, a star like him. Searching. Looking for guidance in this cynical world. I was never the same. I rely on the vast nature, searching people, and optimistically qualities of life to lead me to my next venture. Good things are supposed to come to you, right?

At that moment, I realized that people do not choose to be this way. Sometimes you get so damn lost in this fantasy of the world, it is hard to find yourself. You train yourself to rely on everybody else in this world, when at the end of the day the only one who can clean up the messes that surround yourself, is you. I realized why I was so vacant in that moment. I leave pieces of me behind in everything I loved, and everything I loved was gone. I was empty inside.

There was nothing left to my bitter, dismantled heart. Lawrence had left, with all the pieces of me that have never been resolved. Therefore, I continue to look around the city. I wait for something that may never come, or may. I wander. I wait for somebody to pick up my pieces, because I could never do it myself. My soul is perpetually damaged in this universe, making it hard for me to enjoy all the fascinating beauty around me like I once did. The beauty of the world ended up in the hands of another human, taking it with them as they left.

Yet the city carries on, throughout everyone’s madness, and throughout mine.

I closed to blinds, and turned my bright lit up room, into overcast darkness. My mind always seems to wander when I look out onto the park where Lawrence and I created most of the eventful nights that still trace my mind every day. Closing the blinds let me move on, just like I always needed to. I have moved on.

I approached my closet and rummaged the various outfits. I had to be to work at the very early hour of 9 each morning. This keeps me from getting distracted from other things. I slipped my arms through my shirt, and found my preferred long black skirt to accompany it. I slowly approached my face to the mirror in my room, to remove the rollers that had been wrapped in my hair all night, as they slowly fell, blonde ringlets surrounded my face. Next, I applied the essentials.

A little mascara, powder, and red lipstick was enough to hide any woman’s misery. There was something so wonderful about seeing the finished outcome of yourself each morning, before going out into the world. You get to see yourself for exactly who you want to be. I learned so much from this silly practice. I always obtained so much confidence each morning, to watch it all be crumbled to the ground by night. This is how it is being in the big business of film. One day your beauty doesn’t go un-noticed, next you get told to adjust yourself for not being the beauty’s standards. There was a never in-between in this business. What really is considered beauty, anyway? It fluctuates daily, just like the people. Just like the city.

This business never shows you the real side of anybody. With acting, you always see pieces of people, but it never is real. They do it for the fame, the attraction of being somebody in this world. As far as I was concerned, that’s the only reason I ever continued with it.

I craved to be somebody in this world, and whatever way I could obtain it, I would. I was so lost within the blinding lights, and the gorgeous people, I had never questioned that I had lost myself in these lights. It’s destroying really. I choose to continue to lose myself in these characters, and in these costumes, and buried my problems within the people I pretended to be. That was the easiest way to solve my problems, or at least that is what I thought.

John, was the one that had led me into these perceiving lights. He was the man I met when I was lost, lonely, and diminished from the past. I was vulnerable, and he took advantage of me in the best possible way. The West café, was where we first met and explored each other’s acquaintance. I go early every single morning, read my daily book, sip my coffee, and watch the people as they wander the city to this day. This was my happy spot, where all my problems of the past vanished and got lost in the book I scan each morning, it was my escape from my reality.

~

One morning in early July, I found myself broken, and wandering the city. It was a cool, and crisp day. I took the long route to town. I watched as the beautiful blue sky wrapped around me as if it was a blanket, and the day was young. The city was booming, as the world started to come alive. I wandered into the West Café, looking for a distraction for the morning to keep my mind from reality. I took my familiar seat, which is a large open window, so I can observe the city. As my eyes rested upon my lengthy book, and sipped the charcoal colored coffee, a man suddenly appeared out of my prevision, and sat in the chair that was accompanied in front of me. Something about me told me to just get up and walk away, another part of me told me to stay. My blonde ringlets clung to my face as I looked up, and my eyes met his.

My eyes suddenly lowered in slight discomfort, as I shifted my hands away from my book slowly closing the crisp pages, “Can I help you?” I said fluttering my eyes, following his, as he slowly observed my facial features. Something strange encountered me at that very moment, wishing that I never had plunged into this situation that was presented upon me.

He chuckled, and quickly glanced outside the window, “You know, I see this beautiful woman sitting here every day, I just wanted to ask what brings you here at early hours every morning, is that so much for a man to ask?” He hung his coat on the chair, and scooted in while resting his face on his palm, silently focusing on me. Slowly returning his eyes to the crowded street. He comfortably sat down.It was as if we knew each other for years, meeting each other for coffee. It was like he was noticing the people who I noticed. The people that wander: looking for the next venture in life. How ironic. Somebody that actually pays attention to their surroundings as much as me.

I hadn’t got this very often. But something about it, made me smile. Something about the simplicity, that he encountered me with. “Just reading that’s all.” I replied scratching my nails on the rough surface of my book, returning a smile to his graceful approach.

“So, you can’t do this so-called “reading” at your humble abode or any place else?”

“You caught me. Fine, I come here to escape reality. My happy place. I love to come here to sip my coffee, to see the sights, and the wandering people. Is that the answer you were looking for?”

“It quite frankly was better than your first. He chuckled. You see, I love to watch the wandering people just like you. The ones waiting on their life to change, waiting on love, waiting on the stars to guide them. And strangely, they guided me straight to you.”

“So, can I ask what brings you over to me?” I presented an absurd grin.

How silly to think he said the stars led him over to me. A thought was floating around my head to get up, but something about me couldn’t. He was quite charming, a guy you don’t see daily. A guy that was supposed to be here the same second that I was here, waiting to change my life.

He slowly removed his hands from his coffee cup that the barista had handed him, the sweet smell of vanilla filled the air. “I wanted to ask a request upon you.  I have watched you, for a long time now. I come in here every day as well, not that you notice me, but you know, you’re an interesting young woman. Beautiful, glowing; quite honestly. I have never met somebody like you. You have glitter of hope in your eyes, and I want to offer you a deal I don’t believe you could pass up on. I don’t do this very often.  He raised his coffee and gulped loudly as he began to explain, But I would like to offer you an audition for my upcoming motion picture.”

He soon revealed a business card, after rummaging through his pockets.

There was a hope in his smile, that I would attain this request. Interesting, was one of the many words I could have used to describe his presence. He was enchanting, causing it to be hard to pass up anything he offered. I caught myself looking at him, exploring his dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and his abstract charm. I had never had this connection with any other man after Lawrence. I snapped out of the day-dream, and soon gave him an explanation, for at first denying his orders.

“An upcoming movie?” I laughed hysterically.

“No, you cannot be serious, I am no actress, I believe you have the wrong girl. I grabbed my book and pushed in my chair to leave. “I think I’m going to leave.”

I grabbed my purse, and managed to attain a fake smile, letting him know I appreciated his broad offer.

“Thank you for the amazing idea, but I cannot take it, I’m sorry, I’m just not the girl you are looking for.”

But I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk away.

He lowered his coffee from his lips, “Whoa whoa whoa, no reason to get in a distraught mood.” He motioned his hands for me to sit back down in my chair, and to keep people from looking over as he raised his voice. It was just a request that’s all. I’m sorry that I have approached you, I didn’t mean to disturb. If you want me to leave, I will. I will grab my stuff and go right now.”

His voice was stern and demanding, providing him with a different tone than when I first started this conversation with him.

“I didn’t just approach you for some dull odd reason that I was bored and looking for fun, no, I see you wandering. I see you wandering every morning, because I watch you every morning before you enter this café. How ironic is it that we both are looking for the same thing, and you just found what you were looking for, and I found what I was looking for.” He demanded.

I pushed the blonde ringlets away from my face and as rosy red cheeks were revealed to him,“No… I’m sorry I reacted that way, I just don’t want to waste your time that’s all, it’s just the girl you are looking for, isn’t me.”

“The thing is, you are exactly the girl I’m looking for, he placed his hand near mine, and waited to raise his coffee cup for another sip, like I said, I don’t do this often. I see something in you. Your patience, your beauty, everything about you, is attractive. Just please, come to the audition. I think it would be an amazing opportunity for a girl like you, take a chance on me.”

I pondered the request, looking out the window and running my hands in my hair revealing blonde curls that framed my face. What was the worst thing that could happen? Taking chances on new things was something I wanted to improve. I needed to regain this confidence within myself.

My hair fell into my face as I lowered my face it into my palms.

“You know what, fine. Fine. I’ll be there.”

White gleaming teeth, was accompanied with a smile, as he glared at me in amazement.

“That was the answer I was looking for.” He winked as he rose his coffee to take another small sip as the steam released into the air.

“John Parker.” He escaped his hand from his pocket waiting for me to respond to his firmly gripped handshake.

Suddenly I remembered a billboard that I had passed one morning,“Wait..,” I raised my hand and pointed my finger at him, “You’re John Parker…as in one of the most famous directors in Manhattan, John Parker?” I  said giving him a crude stare as my hand slipped the business card, glancing the information.

He smiled. “Yes, darling. That is correct.”

His black leather coat escaped from the chair, as he sat up from sitting, to return his arms into it. “I bet you’re happy I could get you to change that answer.”

I watched him as he approached the glass door, and walked away, locking eyes as he wandered away from this mysterious morning. It had left me so wonder struck, that morning. It was the first time I had ever looked up since Lawrence vanished from my life. I took a chance on myself, I engaged in something so juristic, I didn’t even quite recognize that girl who took me over in that very moment when John first approached me. But I was most certain about one thing, I had smiled that morning.

One thing I hadn’t done in a while.

 

prologue: The stars I saw in him. (Romance novel)

Prologue

 

I hadn’t had one of these dreadful days in a while. This feeling of everything I ever loved, vanished. I lowered my tea from my trembling lips, and observed the autumn leaves fall from outside. One tear pondered down my ice-cold face. It was the only one I would allow myself to shed. The world felt as if it was dwindling around me, yet all I could do was stand and observe. It is yet the loneliest a person can be, yet pretending to be as if everything is fine is how this usually works. This window had been one of the many places I sit when I need to disperse my thoughts. I watched as each one of the polychromatic leaves descended from the tree, focusing on all the lovely colors each one of them presented. Observing the leaves bring me a sense of sanity, beauty, peace. The fall time had always been my  desired time of the year. The air is so crisp and subtle, and you can perceive anything and everything. The weather is gorgeous, and the nature all around is nothing short from extraordinary. Then I remembered. Soon all the memories began to flash into my head one by one. Then I realized why I always like to sit in this spot, this time of the year remind me of him. One communal memory shinned in my head, like the brightest star that never seems to fade.

You see where I lived, was Manhattan. One of the largest cities in the entire world. It is still the most gorgeous place in the world in my opinion. Also, I have the gift of living here. The city never sleeps. There is always people going somewhere at all times of the day. This is where the quote, “I have things to do, and people to see,” is always the truth ha-ha.

Yet for me, it wasn’t.

3 years ago, I lost the one person I did everything with. The one who took me to the coffee shop, because he knew I loved little things. The one who knew me like the back of his hand. The one who would watch me ice skate in the glimmering snow for hours, to watch me laugh till I couldn’t anymore, and stumble occasionally as I caught the way you looked at me. The one who never gave up on me no matter how many times I let him down. You see, people like this do not come around often. When they do, it is all a fantasy upon a dream all combusted within your wildest dreams. That is how I lost him. Sometimes, you put too much faith into the things you love the most, because you want to believe it exists. There are many things in this world that don’t exist.

 

The memories had, and eternally would be the one thing that wouldn’t leave, even though he did.

 

With a tear gradually skimming down my face, I pulled out a crinkled, yellow paper that publicized four valuable words. The four words I always had to keep hidden from everybody else. I constantly strained to keep myself from not partaking it with me. Whenever it was brought out, it was like an obscure cloud was hovering over me and all I felt was discomfort and agony. Almost like a never-ending downpour, and contentment was hidden by a delirious sky. I was absent without him, and the one solitary thing that ever encountered me was this remark.

The note was retreating and taped to be held together, holding together the only thing he had left behind when he left. It was such a yet modest but significant note. The four words that changed my life forever. The four words that also kept me holding on to myself.

~~

 

“I love you Elizabeth.” He whispered.

 

The night was serene as we sat in the park, a vivid red stitched blanket lied beneath us, with a wicker brown basket by our side. One of our preferred times to get away was having picnics in the park. We would lie down and point out our desired stars and cuddle as the nights murky yet dazzling sky would take over the day. Stars was one of our beloved sights to see. Stars radiance could never be confined by any picture.

That’s the way I thought about him. The way he was, could never be apprehended. It was a feeling that couldn’t be explained.

Just like I saw the stars; the loveliness could never be justified. It just is. The night sky is the furthermost glorious sight that we have from here on earth. The only reason we look onward to-night is to see those lovely stars. You see, the stars were in no hesitation, the way I saw him. When you gaze up in the sky, you see gorgeous pathways of light captured by every star. Each star has its own splendor, but is perceived identical.

Although, they are all very altered. He was that one beautiful star you could have found out of any night sky. People to me where always rivaled to the night sky, because everyone around us has that specific light that only they pertain. It just takes that one distinctive person to find the alterations in your beauty.

I found a star in him. As I looked up into the sky, I always felt like he was with me.

 

I permanently wanted him with me, little did I know this was the last time I would ever see him again.

~~

“If I asked you would you be able to count all the stars in the sky for me”? He smiled and gazed at me, and then returned his eyes to the vast alluring spread of the night sky. He had this way of making me feel so imperative when my eyes encountered his. I felt as if every imperfection I ever tried to conceal while I glared into his eyes, had diminished. I was adored, I was fulfilled. It was all a girl like me could ever desire and fantasize of.

I yearned I could have gotten the chance to express this to him enough while he was here.

~~

“No”, I giggled as he picked a strand of hair away from my face. I moved closer to him and adjusted my hair, yet his eyes focused on the stars. “Are you joking with me, Lawrence? I laughed waiting for his long-ridden response. He scanned back to the ground and suppressed the blanket down, and set his hand right next to mine. He did not hold it, but just left me waiting for more. He left me gasping every time.

“No I am not joking, you know, you’re something special Elizabeth.”

“The most famous poets in the entire world can’t suppress their love for things even sometimes, you know that?” He grabbed me and shaked me side to side, pulling me closer at the night draped over us and the lovely dark sky was eroded with twinkle lights. “

 

He mumbled as his eyes rolled to the top of his head and smiled.

“Okay, I guess if you insist.”

 

“I’m listening.” I giggled as I scanned his clothes, neck, and finally back up to his eyes.

“This is exactly my love for you, it cannot be determined, counted, or notorious by anybody or anything. It is yet something only I know. I know everything about you, Elizabeth. I know the way you watch the sunrise and sunset just to see the colors. I know you enjoy getting coffee, just so you can bring your favorite book to skim over as you drink it.”

My eyes widened as he pulled me closer to his face cradling me in the calmness surrounding us.

“I know that you pick out your outfits the night before you wear them. I know the littlest things will make you smile. I know you love to sing and dance when I’m not watching. I also know that I don’t know how long these good times will last. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, let alone where I will be tomorrow. Things god damn change and Elizabeth, even though we want to imagine good times always last, sometimes they don’t. We are changing people just like this city surrounding us. But just know people wait a lifetime to feel the way that I feel about you. It will never be painless loving you, and I know that. But I would devote a lifetime just trying to figure you out. I would spend a lifetime just to see that smile of yours as much as I can. I want you eternally.”

He whispered, as he explored the sky reimbursing his eyes to me every so often.

I stared at him, but could not return his sentence. My mouth dropped in disbelief. How did I ever get so gifted to have him?

I laid back down. Repeating the words every so often in my head. He did the same, just as he slipped a piece of paper in my coat pocket.

 

 

 

3 years later.

 

I threw my hands across my face, as the remorse all came flooding in. The daydreaming needed to stop. I regretted never looking at the note sooner. I could have stopped him from leaving. I could have had it all right now. Why are the things you want the most, always taken away from you?

Some things are too good to be true. People don’t like to realize this.

The same four words that changed my life forever, that come back to plague me every day in this same sitting spot when all my thoughts come flooding in resembling tsunamis. Lawrence was all I ever sought after, he was that guy that you would have anticipated an eternity for. His voice was one that was so calming, amorous, and protected. I felt as if losing him would have destroyed me. But it is not that he is gone that continues to destroy me, it’s the thoughts of having him that remain too. You see, the memories that continue to come back, have a reason too. There is a reason that they keep coming back. You either love that person, object, being or hate it. Usually its love. This is what I scuffled with. Everything I realized I strived to overlook, are the things that I wanted to obtain the most. I hurt myself in this course of action.

I bounded in my chair as the deafening knock on my back door that transpires every Monday morning, roused me from my day dreams.

“Lawrence is never coming back”, I gritted underneath my breath to myself. I ran my hands over my face to un reveal the sorrow that flounced over me as I reminisced these memories. I don’t know why I keep tormenting myself.

I continually had to reminisce myself of this. I had sought so hard to just except what my life is now. My life was not the same without me and him together. He had been the one missing piece that had satisfied me, the one that I thought that I couldn’t live without. But I am. Roughly. I got up from my chair by the window, and gradually staggered to the door absently waiting for me. I turned to give one last look of the loneliness outside. Facing reality was almost crueller than my thoughts, and the miserable part of it all, is I must counterfeit a smile every day to just get by. As I grasped the door, I sneered and began to pull at my light pink cotton dress to make sure I looked reasonable. Work usually required me to look considerate at least. Working in a big city like Manhattan, you never get a break.

 

At the door awaited my  husband, John. He usually knew where to find me on days like these. He knew why I was always late for work. It had been happening for the last 3 years continuously. Yet, he never took the time to ever talk about it. He knew that whole dream was long gone, and that I must move on to my life that I have now.

He sauntered around me, like he had been reading my mind somehow. “Well well well, look what we have here”, he snarled as he made a continuous circle around me, focusing hard on my expressions. Then he stopped.

“Darling, I mean you just look splendid today, I mean you do most of the time, but today. I’m surprised.” He stopped and kept one hand on the doorknob, waiting to leave after I gave him one of my many excuses.

Suddenly, something came out, as a tear was caught, trying not to escape from my ice-cold face. I rambled in my head but could not manage to spit out words that made sense, but soon it did.

“I’m so sorry, I mean I have been caught up with so much work, and I mean it. The words slurred out of my mouth like they had already been waiting to pour out upon his arrival.

 

His hand had soon raised from the doorknob, as he raised his fingers to grasp his chin.

“I have been waiting for hours for you to arrive, but you haven’t”

…he pushed me aside and stood in the doorway while decoying his flamboyant white smile at, me trying to hide the anger that was decadent behind it.

I was almost frightened. He was used to approaching my door before work, I had been late so many times it seemed almost normal for him now. Being my new lover was never easy you see; also let me add my manager. I had failed him. But only for reasons that I can understand.

.He gave a look of disapproval and turned away so he didn’t have to look me in the eyes. His face was reflecting off of the glass plated door. The look of anger, the look of disgust.

Like always, I had to find something to hide the reason I was really gone, anything would do.

 

“I have been caught up on important stuff all morning.” I shuffled and turned around, grasping my dress.

“All morning… what can be more important than appearing at work this morning?” “This movie is going to be the best thing of this whole decade and if you just can’t except that we are going to have an issue, do you understand? I can’t stand these little fits you are giving me. I need work from you. His eyebrows rose as you could see the fury in his eyes.

“That was the deal in the first place, right?” “It will always be the deal, and if you want to play these silly mind games with me, you can cut the crap right now you hear me.” He leaned closer.

“Right….I’m sorry, I really am. I need to get ready to go, please leave me be, I will be ready in a couple of minutes.”

“Stop leaving me waiting and I wouldn’t have to do it.”

A little chuckle extended from as lips as he raised a cigarette to light it. Smoke flooded the room, and black smoke took over the humble feel to the room.

He was giving me a look of utter disgust as I sauntered away from him. His eyes were like daggers in my back. I could feel it in my presence how distraught he was with me. He wanted me to finally let the past go. Letting things go were the hardest thing about me, I never could. I rushed away, I was a mess and he knew it. I gathered my things. I snuck the crinkled note into my pocket like usual. The note was a secret, and if he saw this it would destroy everything. This note was the only thing that kept me holding on to a dream. I dream that I wanted to come true. Dreams that never seemed to come true in my life.

I turned back around him to find his scoping me, leaning against the wall just releasing enough pressure to release his cigarette from his quaking lips.

“We shall be expecting you any time, give me a kiss before I go?”

“You know I hate showing public affection in front of everyone else on set.” He replied.

I stuttered as a big gulp returned slowly to my stomach.

“Sure.”

He held out his hand and pulled me closer to his beating chest, and span me around. He quickly removed the smoking cigarette from his mouth. I returned to his eyes and tried so hard to keep the tears in. He snickered and laid his callous palms throughout my face, and tugged me in nearer for a kiss. He was lovely, yet displeasing at the same time.

Lovely, yet cold.

I shut the door behind him as I caught a glimpse of him getting into his car so gracefully. I was wrong. There was something more than I hated missing the past, it was the fact I had to lie to him every single day of my presence.

But I had to. I didn’t love him, and I never would.

Good thing I’m a professional actress in New York.

I walked across the room to shut of the Elvis Presley record that had been playing pleasantly yet inaudibly all morning, and picked up my glass to set in the sink. I grabbed the keys, and barred the door behind me. I fumbled in my pocket the feel the warmth of the note and turned around. But before the door could close, I saw more leaves fall from the trees moving from side to side. Another tear had been shed that morning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Waiting for the one, that may never be coming.

To the person waiting for a change. I have felt your pain as I’ve learned and grown older, and wiser. I wanted to spread light upon a topic that is extremely important to me.

Love.  At a young age, you watch as others around you procieve love. You watch all the fairytales and chick flicks, and believe that in the end, things will never go sour. As much as everybody wants to believe that things always will work out, they don’t.

As you grow up you go out into the world of dating (as I have been trying), you get your heart broken for the first time. There is nothing more hurtful in this entire world, than being told you were not what somebody wanted. That you did everything for this person but it never seemed to be enough. It’s not your fault. You are everything. If somebody is not thankful for your presence in their life, than they are not the ones you need to be wasting it on. Being enough should not be what you are looking to change. It is the standard you hold for yourself.

“If you miss somebody who does not miss you, or is no good for you, or is unattainable, take the love you love felt for them, and spread it in other places. Put your love in worthwhile people and things. Turn the romance into passions and hobbies or admirtantion for others- enrich your own life. Focus on yourself and those who actively make you happy”

-anonymous

Standards are so important for love. I fell into my own trap many times. Every time I received attention from somebody, I fell in. I didn’t know better but to believe what they were telling me. Chances are, they are doing the same exact thing to others. They are feeding you what you want to hear; even though, most of the time it’s not going to happen. I had to change my standards. I realized that I was being walked upon, because I was allowing it to happen. I was taking attention, from anybody that wanted to give it to me. So I changed that. YOU, need to change that. Wait for somebody better than that. One day you will come upon somebody that won’t give up on you. That isn’t feeding the same silly comments to everyone else. They will realize how amazing you are. The best things always take time to come. Stop hurting yourself in the process.

Also, in the mean time in waiting for this person, you need to love yourself first. The most important thing is knowing who you are and what you know you deserve. You are deserving of love, kindness, and care. Do not settle for anybody who won’t provide that for you. You do not need anybody who thinks of you as any less of what you think of yourself. You are deserving of somebody who wants to see you at your worst times. You are deserving of somebody who would stop at nothing, just to see you smile. Someone who would drop anything, to provide for you. Someone who enjoys and takes pride in the things you love. Somebody who would love you through anything. Do not settle for anything less, darling. There is a person out there waiting for you. Stop searching. At the right time, they will find their way to you.

Lastly, always remember that no matter what you will always be enough. These people that left you, never intended to stay. They did not deserve you. Love is never going to be a walk through a garden. Sometimes it’s that walk through the rain. It’s never going to be easy finding the people that deserve, and don’t deserve to be in your life. But you will figure it out along the way. You are going to get your heart broken many times. It’s reaching down and picking up the broken pieces with a smile. Realizing that you will find the one who will do it for you one day. Time and patience is the best key to a strong; healthy relationship. You deserve nothing but the best, love.

Do not settle for anything less.

“Do not chase another human being, instead chase your curiosity. Chase your development and your goals. Chase your passion. Strive to work for something better then yourself, and instead of trying to convince somebody that you don’t fit into their world-build your own”

-b.s

How to be free.

As I am contemplating how to start my first blog post, I finally stumbled upon something I would like to shine light upon and share. Something that keeps me awake at night, and keeps me going during the day. The thought of being free. 

This is such a broad statement, but so interestingly remarkable to touch on. I want each and every one of you to finally release yourselves from the pain, and be free. it is yet such a easy thing to say, but not so much a easy thing to do. The world is a place where you despise what others think of you. Maybe  it is just ourselves that think of everything so negatively. You see, it is really ourselves that never allow us to be free. We are always so wrapped up about what others may think of us. In reality, maybe it is just us feeling this way towards ourselves. As they always say, we are our own worst enemy’s. That is why I want you to release yourself from this. I want you to finally be you. I want you to be free.

 

We are all shining in our own gorgeous light, yet at the same time we are afraid to step into it. We are afraid to show others who we really are. We are in such a search to be excepted, that we lose ourselves. I want you to never be afraid of who you are and what you believe in. I want you to always embrace your differences. You are meant to be you, -and nothing else. I want you to know that every single thing that you are, is remarkable, and sometimes it just takes believing in yourself for others to finally realize that. It will take time to reach this enlightenment, but I want you to start with today.

Next time you look in the mirror I want you to look at yourself like you are the most amazing thing in this world. This is because you are. You are free,and you are you. There is nobody in this world just like you and that is the most important thing. When you allow yourself to always be positive you will start seeing the world in that way too. But most importantly, it has to start with you. Accept who you are and embrace all that you are because you are the most astonishing thing that you can offer this world. I want you to know that being free is the best thing that you can do for yourself. Release yourself from the pain that you put yourself in, and finally believe in yourself. I believe in you too.

 

Style your hair the way you want it, wear whatever clothes you want, get tattoos. Travel to the most amazing places. Take risks. Make friends with all the people you see. Say the things that you want. Embrace your opinions about the world. Open your mind. Open your soul. Open yourself to the love you deserve. Give yourself the love that you deserve. Be you, and always remember to be free.