It was fall time in New York; where it all began. My day starts like usual. As I wake up, I toss my comforter off my icy, delicate, body. My eyes flutter as I sit up and heave my hair away from my face. As my feet grasp the floor I walk over to my glass sliders that reveal the most gorgeous view known to man. Or I guess, in my outlook.
The fall time in New York City was so enchanting. A small compliance of leaves accompanies the crisp dull air just to tie off the loud awakening of the metropolitan each morning. I get to watch the whole world wake up. It was very fascinating to me. There is something about watching the world when you’re lonely. You watch couples, as they stroll by displaying their affection for another as they observe the city. Then, you see those people who are contemplating. They are not sure what to do in this huge world. They are looking. You can tell they are doing this because there is an enthusiasm in their eye, that needs to be satisfied. Either they are looking to find themselves in the city, or for someone else to find them. They are usually walking with their heads downcast, or with the chatter accompanying them as they walk through the park silently.
They are blocking out the world. They don’t want to be bothered. This is either because they have given up on the exquisite sights and sounds nature has provided for us, or just because they have not found what they are looking for yet.
I consider me of these many people who meander the city. I am still looking. I am looking for something that I have not found yet. It may be myself, it may be somebody else, it may be something. You see, I never was quite sure. I am looking for something, yet I don’t know what yet. This happens when everything you ever knew what was taken from you. I began to understand these people, who I always thought were pities to the universe.
My further escape, was watching the night sky after the city had cleared. It gives you guidance. It gives you hope. Maybe this vast world has a lot to offer; just when you begin to seek and look for it. For me, I saw stars in people. My star was always, Lawrence. When he vanished from my life, he left me looking. Looking for a star, a star like him. Searching. Looking for guidance in this cynical world. I was never the same. I rely on the vast nature, searching people, and optimistically qualities of life to lead me to my next venture. Good things are supposed to come to you, right?
At that moment, I realized that people do not choose to be this way. Sometimes you get so damn lost in this fantasy of the world, it is hard to find yourself. You train yourself to rely on everybody else in this world, when at the end of the day the only one who can clean up the messes that surround yourself, is you. I realized why I was so vacant in that moment. I leave pieces of me behind in everything I loved, and everything I loved was gone. I was empty inside.
There was nothing left to my bitter, dismantled heart. Lawrence had left, with all the pieces of me that have never been resolved. Therefore, I continue to look around the city. I wait for something that may never come, or may. I wander. I wait for somebody to pick up my pieces, because I could never do it myself. My soul is perpetually damaged in this universe, making it hard for me to enjoy all the fascinating beauty around me like I once did. The beauty of the world ended up in the hands of another human, taking it with them as they left.
Yet the city carries on, throughout everyone’s madness, and throughout mine.
I closed to blinds, and turned my bright lit up room, into overcast darkness. My mind always seems to wander when I look out onto the park where Lawrence and I created most of the eventful nights that still trace my mind every day. Closing the blinds let me move on, just like I always needed to. I have moved on.
I approached my closet and rummaged the various outfits. I had to be to work at the very early hour of 9 each morning. This keeps me from getting distracted from other things. I slipped my arms through my shirt, and found my preferred long black skirt to accompany it. I slowly approached my face to the mirror in my room, to remove the rollers that had been wrapped in my hair all night, as they slowly fell, blonde ringlets surrounded my face. Next, I applied the essentials.
A little mascara, powder, and red lipstick was enough to hide any woman’s misery. There was something so wonderful about seeing the finished outcome of yourself each morning, before going out into the world. You get to see yourself for exactly who you want to be. I learned so much from this silly practice. I always obtained so much confidence each morning, to watch it all be crumbled to the ground by night. This is how it is being in the big business of film. One day your beauty doesn’t go un-noticed, next you get told to adjust yourself for not being the beauty’s standards. There was a never in-between in this business. What really is considered beauty, anyway? It fluctuates daily, just like the people. Just like the city.
This business never shows you the real side of anybody. With acting, you always see pieces of people, but it never is real. They do it for the fame, the attraction of being somebody in this world. As far as I was concerned, that’s the only reason I ever continued with it.
I craved to be somebody in this world, and whatever way I could obtain it, I would. I was so lost within the blinding lights, and the gorgeous people, I had never questioned that I had lost myself in these lights. It’s destroying really. I choose to continue to lose myself in these characters, and in these costumes, and buried my problems within the people I pretended to be. That was the easiest way to solve my problems, or at least that is what I thought.
John, was the one that had led me into these perceiving lights. He was the man I met when I was lost, lonely, and diminished from the past. I was vulnerable, and he took advantage of me in the best possible way. The West café, was where we first met and explored each other’s acquaintance. I go early every single morning, read my daily book, sip my coffee, and watch the people as they wander the city to this day. This was my happy spot, where all my problems of the past vanished and got lost in the book I scan each morning, it was my escape from my reality.
One morning in early July, I found myself broken, and wandering the city. It was a cool, and crisp day. I took the long route to town. I watched as the beautiful blue sky wrapped around me as if it was a blanket, and the day was young. The city was booming, as the world started to come alive. I wandered into the West Café, looking for a distraction for the morning to keep my mind from reality. I took my familiar seat, which is a large open window, so I can observe the city. As my eyes rested upon my lengthy book, and sipped the charcoal colored coffee, a man suddenly appeared out of my prevision, and sat in the chair that was accompanied in front of me. Something about me told me to just get up and walk away, another part of me told me to stay. My blonde ringlets clung to my face as I looked up, and my eyes met his.
My eyes suddenly lowered in slight discomfort, as I shifted my hands away from my book slowly closing the crisp pages, “Can I help you?” I said fluttering my eyes, following his, as he slowly observed my facial features. Something strange encountered me at that very moment, wishing that I never had plunged into this situation that was presented upon me.
He chuckled, and quickly glanced outside the window, “You know, I see this beautiful woman sitting here every day, I just wanted to ask what brings you here at early hours every morning, is that so much for a man to ask?” He hung his coat on the chair, and scooted in while resting his face on his palm, silently focusing on me. Slowly returning his eyes to the crowded street. He comfortably sat down.It was as if we knew each other for years, meeting each other for coffee. It was like he was noticing the people who I noticed. The people that wander: looking for the next venture in life. How ironic. Somebody that actually pays attention to their surroundings as much as me.
I hadn’t got this very often. But something about it, made me smile. Something about the simplicity, that he encountered me with. “Just reading that’s all.” I replied scratching my nails on the rough surface of my book, returning a smile to his graceful approach.
“So, you can’t do this so-called “reading” at your humble abode or any place else?”
“You caught me. Fine, I come here to escape reality. My happy place. I love to come here to sip my coffee, to see the sights, and the wandering people. Is that the answer you were looking for?”
“It quite frankly was better than your first. He chuckled. You see, I love to watch the wandering people just like you. The ones waiting on their life to change, waiting on love, waiting on the stars to guide them. And strangely, they guided me straight to you.”
“So, can I ask what brings you over to me?” I presented an absurd grin.
How silly to think he said the stars led him over to me. A thought was floating around my head to get up, but something about me couldn’t. He was quite charming, a guy you don’t see daily. A guy that was supposed to be here the same second that I was here, waiting to change my life.
He slowly removed his hands from his coffee cup that the barista had handed him, the sweet smell of vanilla filled the air. “I wanted to ask a request upon you. I have watched you, for a long time now. I come in here every day as well, not that you notice me, but you know, you’re an interesting young woman. Beautiful, glowing; quite honestly. I have never met somebody like you. You have glitter of hope in your eyes, and I want to offer you a deal I don’t believe you could pass up on. I don’t do this very often. He raised his coffee and gulped loudly as he began to explain, But I would like to offer you an audition for my upcoming motion picture.”
He soon revealed a business card, after rummaging through his pockets.
There was a hope in his smile, that I would attain this request. Interesting, was one of the many words I could have used to describe his presence. He was enchanting, causing it to be hard to pass up anything he offered. I caught myself looking at him, exploring his dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes, and his abstract charm. I had never had this connection with any other man after Lawrence. I snapped out of the day-dream, and soon gave him an explanation, for at first denying his orders.
“An upcoming movie?” I laughed hysterically.
“No, you cannot be serious, I am no actress, I believe you have the wrong girl. I grabbed my book and pushed in my chair to leave. “I think I’m going to leave.”
I grabbed my purse, and managed to attain a fake smile, letting him know I appreciated his broad offer.
“Thank you for the amazing idea, but I cannot take it, I’m sorry, I’m just not the girl you are looking for.”
But I couldn’t leave. I couldn’t walk away.
He lowered his coffee from his lips, “Whoa whoa whoa, no reason to get in a distraught mood.” He motioned his hands for me to sit back down in my chair, and to keep people from looking over as he raised his voice. It was just a request that’s all. I’m sorry that I have approached you, I didn’t mean to disturb. If you want me to leave, I will. I will grab my stuff and go right now.”
His voice was stern and demanding, providing him with a different tone than when I first started this conversation with him.
“I didn’t just approach you for some dull odd reason that I was bored and looking for fun, no, I see you wandering. I see you wandering every morning, because I watch you every morning before you enter this café. How ironic is it that we both are looking for the same thing, and you just found what you were looking for, and I found what I was looking for.” He demanded.
I pushed the blonde ringlets away from my face and as rosy red cheeks were revealed to him,“No… I’m sorry I reacted that way, I just don’t want to waste your time that’s all, it’s just the girl you are looking for, isn’t me.”
“The thing is, you are exactly the girl I’m looking for, he placed his hand near mine, and waited to raise his coffee cup for another sip, like I said, I don’t do this often. I see something in you. Your patience, your beauty, everything about you, is attractive. Just please, come to the audition. I think it would be an amazing opportunity for a girl like you, take a chance on me.”
I pondered the request, looking out the window and running my hands in my hair revealing blonde curls that framed my face. What was the worst thing that could happen? Taking chances on new things was something I wanted to improve. I needed to regain this confidence within myself.
My hair fell into my face as I lowered my face it into my palms.
“You know what, fine. Fine. I’ll be there.”
White gleaming teeth, was accompanied with a smile, as he glared at me in amazement.
“That was the answer I was looking for.” He winked as he rose his coffee to take another small sip as the steam released into the air.
“John Parker.” He escaped his hand from his pocket waiting for me to respond to his firmly gripped handshake.
Suddenly I remembered a billboard that I had passed one morning,“Wait..,” I raised my hand and pointed my finger at him, “You’re John Parker…as in one of the most famous directors in Manhattan, John Parker?” I said giving him a crude stare as my hand slipped the business card, glancing the information.
He smiled. “Yes, darling. That is correct.”
His black leather coat escaped from the chair, as he sat up from sitting, to return his arms into it. “I bet you’re happy I could get you to change that answer.”
I watched him as he approached the glass door, and walked away, locking eyes as he wandered away from this mysterious morning. It had left me so wonder struck, that morning. It was the first time I had ever looked up since Lawrence vanished from my life. I took a chance on myself, I engaged in something so juristic, I didn’t even quite recognize that girl who took me over in that very moment when John first approached me. But I was most certain about one thing, I had smiled that morning.
One thing I hadn’t done in a while.