I hadn’t had one of these dreadful days in a while. This feeling of everything I ever loved, vanished. I lowered my tea from my trembling lips, and observed the autumn leaves fall from outside. One tear pondered down my ice-cold face. It was the only one I would allow myself to shed. The world felt as if it was dwindling around me, yet all I could do was stand and observe. It is yet the loneliest a person can be, yet pretending to be as if everything is fine is how this usually works. This window had been one of the many places I sit when I need to disperse my thoughts. I watched as each one of the polychromatic leaves descended from the tree, focusing on all the lovely colors each one of them presented. Observing the leaves bring me a sense of sanity, beauty, peace. The fall time had always been my desired time of the year. The air is so crisp and subtle, and you can perceive anything and everything. The weather is gorgeous, and the nature all around is nothing short from extraordinary. Then I remembered. Soon all the memories began to flash into my head one by one. Then I realized why I always like to sit in this spot, this time of the year remind me of him. One communal memory shinned in my head, like the brightest star that never seems to fade.
You see where I lived, was Manhattan. One of the largest cities in the entire world. It is still the most gorgeous place in the world in my opinion. Also, I have the gift of living here. The city never sleeps. There is always people going somewhere at all times of the day. This is where the quote, “I have things to do, and people to see,” is always the truth ha-ha.
Yet for me, it wasn’t.
3 years ago, I lost the one person I did everything with. The one who took me to the coffee shop, because he knew I loved little things. The one who knew me like the back of his hand. The one who would watch me ice skate in the glimmering snow for hours, to watch me laugh till I couldn’t anymore, and stumble occasionally as I caught the way you looked at me. The one who never gave up on me no matter how many times I let him down. You see, people like this do not come around often. When they do, it is all a fantasy upon a dream all combusted within your wildest dreams. That is how I lost him. Sometimes, you put too much faith into the things you love the most, because you want to believe it exists. There are many things in this world that don’t exist.
The memories had, and eternally would be the one thing that wouldn’t leave, even though he did.
With a tear gradually skimming down my face, I pulled out a crinkled, yellow paper that publicized four valuable words. The four words I always had to keep hidden from everybody else. I constantly strained to keep myself from not partaking it with me. Whenever it was brought out, it was like an obscure cloud was hovering over me and all I felt was discomfort and agony. Almost like a never-ending downpour, and contentment was hidden by a delirious sky. I was absent without him, and the one solitary thing that ever encountered me was this remark.
The note was retreating and taped to be held together, holding together the only thing he had left behind when he left. It was such a yet modest but significant note. The four words that changed my life forever. The four words that also kept me holding on to myself.
“I love you Elizabeth.” He whispered.
The night was serene as we sat in the park, a vivid red stitched blanket lied beneath us, with a wicker brown basket by our side. One of our preferred times to get away was having picnics in the park. We would lie down and point out our desired stars and cuddle as the nights murky yet dazzling sky would take over the day. Stars was one of our beloved sights to see. Stars radiance could never be confined by any picture.
That’s the way I thought about him. The way he was, could never be apprehended. It was a feeling that couldn’t be explained.
Just like I saw the stars; the loveliness could never be justified. It just is. The night sky is the furthermost glorious sight that we have from here on earth. The only reason we look onward to-night is to see those lovely stars. You see, the stars were in no hesitation, the way I saw him. When you gaze up in the sky, you see gorgeous pathways of light captured by every star. Each star has its own splendor, but is perceived identical.
Although, they are all very altered. He was that one beautiful star you could have found out of any night sky. People to me where always rivaled to the night sky, because everyone around us has that specific light that only they pertain. It just takes that one distinctive person to find the alterations in your beauty.
I found a star in him. As I looked up into the sky, I always felt like he was with me.
I permanently wanted him with me, little did I know this was the last time I would ever see him again.
“If I asked you would you be able to count all the stars in the sky for me”? He smiled and gazed at me, and then returned his eyes to the vast alluring spread of the night sky. He had this way of making me feel so imperative when my eyes encountered his. I felt as if every imperfection I ever tried to conceal while I glared into his eyes, had diminished. I was adored, I was fulfilled. It was all a girl like me could ever desire and fantasize of.
I yearned I could have gotten the chance to express this to him enough while he was here.
“No”, I giggled as he picked a strand of hair away from my face. I moved closer to him and adjusted my hair, yet his eyes focused on the stars. “Are you joking with me, Lawrence? I laughed waiting for his long-ridden response. He scanned back to the ground and suppressed the blanket down, and set his hand right next to mine. He did not hold it, but just left me waiting for more. He left me gasping every time.
“No I am not joking, you know, you’re something special Elizabeth.”
“The most famous poets in the entire world can’t suppress their love for things even sometimes, you know that?” He grabbed me and shaked me side to side, pulling me closer at the night draped over us and the lovely dark sky was eroded with twinkle lights. “
He mumbled as his eyes rolled to the top of his head and smiled.
“Okay, I guess if you insist.”
“I’m listening.” I giggled as I scanned his clothes, neck, and finally back up to his eyes.
“This is exactly my love for you, it cannot be determined, counted, or notorious by anybody or anything. It is yet something only I know. I know everything about you, Elizabeth. I know the way you watch the sunrise and sunset just to see the colors. I know you enjoy getting coffee, just so you can bring your favorite book to skim over as you drink it.”
My eyes widened as he pulled me closer to his face cradling me in the calmness surrounding us.
“I know that you pick out your outfits the night before you wear them. I know the littlest things will make you smile. I know you love to sing and dance when I’m not watching. I also know that I don’t know how long these good times will last. I don’t know where I’ll be in a year, let alone where I will be tomorrow. Things god damn change and Elizabeth, even though we want to imagine good times always last, sometimes they don’t. We are changing people just like this city surrounding us. But just know people wait a lifetime to feel the way that I feel about you. It will never be painless loving you, and I know that. But I would devote a lifetime just trying to figure you out. I would spend a lifetime just to see that smile of yours as much as I can. I want you eternally.”
He whispered, as he explored the sky reimbursing his eyes to me every so often.
I stared at him, but could not return his sentence. My mouth dropped in disbelief. How did I ever get so gifted to have him?
I laid back down. Repeating the words every so often in my head. He did the same, just as he slipped a piece of paper in my coat pocket.
3 years later.
I threw my hands across my face, as the remorse all came flooding in. The daydreaming needed to stop. I regretted never looking at the note sooner. I could have stopped him from leaving. I could have had it all right now. Why are the things you want the most, always taken away from you?
Some things are too good to be true. People don’t like to realize this.
The same four words that changed my life forever, that come back to plague me every day in this same sitting spot when all my thoughts come flooding in resembling tsunamis. Lawrence was all I ever sought after, he was that guy that you would have anticipated an eternity for. His voice was one that was so calming, amorous, and protected. I felt as if losing him would have destroyed me. But it is not that he is gone that continues to destroy me, it’s the thoughts of having him that remain too. You see, the memories that continue to come back, have a reason too. There is a reason that they keep coming back. You either love that person, object, being or hate it. Usually its love. This is what I scuffled with. Everything I realized I strived to overlook, are the things that I wanted to obtain the most. I hurt myself in this course of action.
I bounded in my chair as the deafening knock on my back door that transpires every Monday morning, roused me from my day dreams.
“Lawrence is never coming back”, I gritted underneath my breath to myself. I ran my hands over my face to un reveal the sorrow that flounced over me as I reminisced these memories. I don’t know why I keep tormenting myself.
I continually had to reminisce myself of this. I had sought so hard to just except what my life is now. My life was not the same without me and him together. He had been the one missing piece that had satisfied me, the one that I thought that I couldn’t live without. But I am. Roughly. I got up from my chair by the window, and gradually staggered to the door absently waiting for me. I turned to give one last look of the loneliness outside. Facing reality was almost crueller than my thoughts, and the miserable part of it all, is I must counterfeit a smile every day to just get by. As I grasped the door, I sneered and began to pull at my light pink cotton dress to make sure I looked reasonable. Work usually required me to look considerate at least. Working in a big city like Manhattan, you never get a break.
At the door awaited my husband, John. He usually knew where to find me on days like these. He knew why I was always late for work. It had been happening for the last 3 years continuously. Yet, he never took the time to ever talk about it. He knew that whole dream was long gone, and that I must move on to my life that I have now.
He sauntered around me, like he had been reading my mind somehow. “Well well well, look what we have here”, he snarled as he made a continuous circle around me, focusing hard on my expressions. Then he stopped.
“Darling, I mean you just look splendid today, I mean you do most of the time, but today. I’m surprised.” He stopped and kept one hand on the doorknob, waiting to leave after I gave him one of my many excuses.
Suddenly, something came out, as a tear was caught, trying not to escape from my ice-cold face. I rambled in my head but could not manage to spit out words that made sense, but soon it did.
“I’m so sorry, I mean I have been caught up with so much work, and I mean it. The words slurred out of my mouth like they had already been waiting to pour out upon his arrival.
His hand had soon raised from the doorknob, as he raised his fingers to grasp his chin.
“I have been waiting for hours for you to arrive, but you haven’t”
…he pushed me aside and stood in the doorway while decoying his flamboyant white smile at, me trying to hide the anger that was decadent behind it.
I was almost frightened. He was used to approaching my door before work, I had been late so many times it seemed almost normal for him now. Being my new lover was never easy you see; also let me add my manager. I had failed him. But only for reasons that I can understand.
.He gave a look of disapproval and turned away so he didn’t have to look me in the eyes. His face was reflecting off of the glass plated door. The look of anger, the look of disgust.
Like always, I had to find something to hide the reason I was really gone, anything would do.
“I have been caught up on important stuff all morning.” I shuffled and turned around, grasping my dress.
“All morning… what can be more important than appearing at work this morning?” “This movie is going to be the best thing of this whole decade and if you just can’t except that we are going to have an issue, do you understand? I can’t stand these little fits you are giving me. I need work from you. His eyebrows rose as you could see the fury in his eyes.
“That was the deal in the first place, right?” “It will always be the deal, and if you want to play these silly mind games with me, you can cut the crap right now you hear me.” He leaned closer.
“Right….I’m sorry, I really am. I need to get ready to go, please leave me be, I will be ready in a couple of minutes.”
“Stop leaving me waiting and I wouldn’t have to do it.”
A little chuckle extended from as lips as he raised a cigarette to light it. Smoke flooded the room, and black smoke took over the humble feel to the room.
He was giving me a look of utter disgust as I sauntered away from him. His eyes were like daggers in my back. I could feel it in my presence how distraught he was with me. He wanted me to finally let the past go. Letting things go were the hardest thing about me, I never could. I rushed away, I was a mess and he knew it. I gathered my things. I snuck the crinkled note into my pocket like usual. The note was a secret, and if he saw this it would destroy everything. This note was the only thing that kept me holding on to a dream. I dream that I wanted to come true. Dreams that never seemed to come true in my life.
I turned back around him to find his scoping me, leaning against the wall just releasing enough pressure to release his cigarette from his quaking lips.
“We shall be expecting you any time, give me a kiss before I go?”
“You know I hate showing public affection in front of everyone else on set.” He replied.
I stuttered as a big gulp returned slowly to my stomach.
He held out his hand and pulled me closer to his beating chest, and span me around. He quickly removed the smoking cigarette from his mouth. I returned to his eyes and tried so hard to keep the tears in. He snickered and laid his callous palms throughout my face, and tugged me in nearer for a kiss. He was lovely, yet displeasing at the same time.
Lovely, yet cold.
I shut the door behind him as I caught a glimpse of him getting into his car so gracefully. I was wrong. There was something more than I hated missing the past, it was the fact I had to lie to him every single day of my presence.
But I had to. I didn’t love him, and I never would.
Good thing I’m a professional actress in New York.
I walked across the room to shut of the Elvis Presley record that had been playing pleasantly yet inaudibly all morning, and picked up my glass to set in the sink. I grabbed the keys, and barred the door behind me. I fumbled in my pocket the feel the warmth of the note and turned around. But before the door could close, I saw more leaves fall from the trees moving from side to side. Another tear had been shed that morning.