I was Background Noise To Your Concert.

“I was background noise to your concert.”

I always knew I was not your main act

My kingdom was under attack

I saw the way you stared at your phone when you were with me

You locked me in a dungeon and threw away the key

Told me I had nothing to worry about and that you weren’t setting me free

Filled me up with such love and care

I was in a dark despair

I knew I needed to say my last prayer

For us two weren’t the only pair

All I was to you was fresh air

You had many others lurking in the corners behind my back

All I tried to do was put you back on track

You didn’t love me

You used me

You took advantage of me

You knew that no matter what I wouldn’t figure out your games and flee

I knew deep down you were on a loving spree

You have given me trust issues

I don’t know how to love again without constant worries

You have heavily affected me on my journey

All I was to you was background noise at your concert

 

How could you do this to an introvert?

 

Pick up your copy of my poetry book “Sunset Skies and Dimly Lit Nights at” : https://www.amazon.com/Sunset-Skies-Dimly-Lit-Nights/dp/1976706610/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1529618134&sr=8-1&keywords=sunset+skies+and+dimly&dpID=51uSOt0c9VL&preST=_SY344_BO1,204,203,200_QL70_&dpSrc=srch

Serendipity.

The hopeless romantic living and actively breathing inside of me would love to presume serendipity is real. Not some synthetic emotion that is sought upon to be inadequate, because it can’t been seen or heard. It is very persistent in my life whether people deem it as ridiculous or not. It continues to caress every fiber of my being.  It is alive in well in my existence: and it always will be.

Serendipity is the miraculous unknown feeling that transpires when fate is perfectly aligned in your presence. I noticed the simplicity of this when you came back into my life. For the world had been waiting upon your arrival. Every time you left, you were sent directly back to me.

We had been lovers before. You met me in a dark and mysterious point in my life. I could never return the love you provided for me perfectly. I couldn’t realize at that point in my life why I needed you so badly. That is how you escaped from me ever so easily. I let you go. I sought after you and yearned to get you back. But the universe knew one thing: we weren’t meant for each other right now. Give it precious time before you love again.  If someone or something returns, I suddenly realized it is surely meant to be.

Months and months had flown by without a call or text from you. Lonely nights spent pondering about how you were no good for my lonely and dismantled soul. I began to feel an invigorating and healthy lifestyle presenting itself upon me, showering me with love and happiness in abundance. I knew that I could live without you. I didn’t need you anymore. I only needed the woman I saw staring back at me in the mirror.

Yet, you never seemed to leave my imagination. My subconscious mind saw you in my dreams every single possible moment it could grasp you. Luring me back into your charismatic and affectionate persona that you embodied spectacularly. I knew that you were no good for the soul I saw demolished into pieces when you left me oh so easy. You didn’t blink an eye when you saw me shattered like a broken mirror, reflecting back the image of yourself. For you didn’t even bother trying to put the shards back together. I was as broken as you found me. Dismantled and disowned; but miraculously still breathing. Just because I couldn’t love you like I should have then, didn’t mean you had to leave.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be.

We always pondered and explained in vast detail, how fate was ultimately going to bring us two souls back together. It has been five months since I had spoken too you. I didn’t contact you, and you didn’t contact me. Sometimes I even begin to see others taking precedence over you. Every time the universe unexceptionally yet unimaginably never worked back into my favor. I began to understand that maybe, I was never meant to run into you again.

It wasn’t meant to be.

After this, I didn’t believe in serendipity anymore. I didn’t believe in fate, or the universe bringing two souls together in an unexplained manner. I just accepted the sharp shards of glass cutting up my insides. Emotion covering every part of my bones, never allowing me to move forward from this horrendous predicament.  The universe never understood the way I felt about you. The obstacles I would endure to see or hear your voice once again. Or so I thought.

The hopeless romantic inside of me had given up.  Crushed dramatically before my very eyes.

That was before I saw your name plastered across my phone screen today. It was a message from you. Is serendipity as real as I had always believed it was?

I guess this was the sign I had been seemingly yearning for. Our souls had the opportunity to collide once again. Fate intertwining exceptionally in my favor, and love restored into me. Serendipity is as real as any emotion or feeling that is presented upon us souls.

I know that for a fact.

I got the opportunity to love you again.

You said the gun was mine.

I don’t expect you to understand the unfathomable feelings that graced me the day you left.

You left me convulsing while holding together an acceptable posture. I didn’t want the others around me drowning in my unexplainable emotions that I no longer knew how to tame. The scene was set for you long before you perpetrated the act of doing so. Your emotions had time to refrain and heal before you acted furiously in anger. I begged you to stay as you grabbed your things from my room. I did everything I could to get you to stay. I never thought I would have to beg the one I loved dearly to stay.

Rightfully so, all I wanted you to do was love me unconditionally. I thought that was little to ask after all the times I spent repairing your deranged emotions—fluctuating daily.

Let me explain the scene in a way you understand.

The blood was on your hands. I felt as if you had just carried out a horrific murder and yet still had the indecency to turn around and wipe the blood on me. After all I did for you. I was there through all the incomprehensible moments. You expected me to understand in a way I didn’t know how. Yet, all I did was try to love you through all your flaws and misery.  My wounds from previous occasions were left pulsating and in open sight. They were in plain sight—because I didn’t expect you to pour salt in them while I wilted in agony. You gained off me. You took advantage of a vulnerable girl who wanted to see your glorious soul shine once again. I didn’t think you would kill me in the process of doing so. You said the gun was mine.

You didn’t thank me for a single thing I did for you the day you left.

Instead, you turned it all back onto me. The jury was present, and you weren’t going down without a fight. You were the one that left me. You were the one who cheated me. The blood was surrounding you, yet you made it look as if I turned you into a mad man. You brought up any of my dirt to make it look like I was the crazy one. Truthfully, you turned me into a monster. For a while, I believed you when you said it was all my fault. It was just your secret mechanism found within this horrific game you play with your victims. You would do anything in your power to make it look like the murder wasn’t your fault.

I should’ve ran for the hills when I saw you do this to me the first time. I loved you through thick and thin. That’s just the woman that I am.  Turns out, I had a lesser man who couldn’t commit to me. You couldn’t accentuate the same powerful love even if you tried.  The love flowing from you, was none other but the love you provided to yourself as nourishment.

You took everything I had. The truth is, I was willing to give you it until there was nothing left.

But honey, the murder victim was me. You killed every ounce of who I was before I could save myself. You didn’t care about anybody else but yourself.  You still had the audacity to see me destroyed on the ground and say it was all my fault. That I deserved it. You said the gun was mine. Yet, I was the one dead on the ground.

The Butterfly Effect

I have just recently discovered how The Butterfly Effect has a tremendous impact on my daily musings, and thoughts on life. Months ago, I was in the depths of despair. I had lost many magnificent people in my life; sometimes even for unknown reasons. The man I was infatuated with, vanished from my life. As if he had never existed in my world. One whom I saw being with me for many, many years. I had established fresh friendships, as well as losing old ones. A dream I was trying to obtain was crumbled before my very eyes. Awful scenarios continued to play out. One after another, I saw myself surrounded by obscure rain storms overcoming me all at once.

You see, quite frankly we view these circumstances negatively. But what we don’t understand, is that our world is forming together in the exact way that it was intended to be. Grief will coincide with love, allowing you to move on and accept what cannot be changed. We as humans have only so much of a grasp on other lovers, family, and friends. We also have only so much understanding of what they want from us. As for all of the dark and dreary events we face in life on top of that: we will find that in months or years our life has transformed into a spectacular montage of needed occurrences. Allowing us to end up in the present moment.

Months ago, I didn’t know If I could move forward. Hypothetically, I was allowing myself to move forward every day. Did I want to? That’s another story. Lost in dark thoughts in the deep hours of the night, led me directly to this conclusion. Every single event in our lives from birth to present time, has brought us exactly to where we are today. If one molecule of my being wanted something drastically different, my life would’ve been thrown off instantly. It also would’ve changed many other lives. On the other hand: this works the same exact way with small predicaments in our lives. Any small or large change affects everybody. That is the moment I knew, I was eternally grateful for every detrimental person and obstacle that stood in my way.

It has brought me to the person I see in the mirror today. The one that has overcome all good and bad: in more ways than one. I didn’t know many moons ago that I needed to face these obstacles to reach my full potential. But here I am. I have established stupendous relationships with new lovers. Friendships that will last a lifetime. I have found my dream college: all while studying what I love with every fiber of my being. I have written masterpieces, which led me to deep reflecting. I have gained so much from simply excepting the instances that I cannot change. All of the melancholy emotions I have felt. I’ve accepted. You will find as time moves forward, that you will be glad you did so as well.

Life is sorting itself out in the amazing way it was intended to be.

Women’s voices must be heard. ( #Metoo movement)

I am very frustrated that I must write this piece on a very horrific incident. First off, I must give my deepest condolences to all the women that had to endure the pain and suffering of a man with sick motives.  It makes me sick to my stomach when I think of all these bright women with promising futures; while having to of dealt with this disgusting human to reach their goals.

 

Every woman that cares about the safety of our futures must speak up and act. We need to realize that we are not safe in any circumstance. By no means does that mean I don’t want men encouraging this positive movement as well; I think men standing with us in this dark time is beautiful. But, in most cases, us as women are being looked down upon. This includes in sports, the workforce, and in daily life. As a young woman myself, I felt liberated to see all these powerful women standing up to their abuser.

 

I want to thank all the US gymnast’s and other women who came forward about this circumstance.  They’re starting a movement. A movement that will prove to Larry Nassar and all other men in power, that we do have voices.

 

Quite frankly, that we aren’t afraid to use.

 

The most disgusting part of this whole story- is the fact that many people wanted the victims to be silenced. There are allegations that the US gymnastics organization, as well as Michigan State University, were deeply involved in this. They didn’t want this to ruin their reputation.  It is quite appalling that they tried to protect themselves from a matter as serious as this. Actual women, who suffered abuse for years; yet all they seemed to care about was themselves.

 

This case fascinated me more than most. I watched all the girl’s testimonies that were available on the internet, as well as all their articles provided on different media outlets.  I applaud all these women that could fierce fully look their abuser in the eye and state, “I didn’t let this end my life.”

I was instantly liberated after hearing those words.

 

I hope this inspired many other women and men to recognize the ongoing issue in this society. When something goes terribly wrong: we push it under the rug until it dissipates. This is not the way I will live my life; It is also not the way that many others will live theirs.

 

Technically speaking, we finally have given the victims a chance to speak. It took years to get this evidence to the surface, (due to higher powers pushing it under the rug like I stated before) and I hope we never make this terrible mistake ever again.

 

Parents and trusted adult’s need to reciprocate: always listen to your children and young adults when they come to you with confidential information.  This is what is going to save our society from making this mistake again. We need to address the problem and stand together right away.

 

This was another reason why these girls did not receive justice earlier on.

 

I know my thoughts have been scattered throughout this train of thought, but I want to make one thing clear. Sadly, I know this has happened to many women and they have not come forward for whatever reason. Most of the time, because they are afraid nobody will believe them. Or, in fear that because it happened so long ago that it is not “valid.” You deserve justice just as much as anybody else does. I hope these girls, (and people like myself who stand with them) can inspire may others to come forward about sexual abuse.

 

If we stand together, we stand a chance.

The Truth About My Heartbreak.

I can honestly admit I don’t even know where to start this post.

For days my thoughts have been flowing in and out of my never-ending, wandering mind. My heart has been over powered  with such love. But coinciding with this love; is grief. A chapter in my life has came to an ending point.

Luckily, I have used my heartbreak to inspire me in so many areas of my life.

Flash back to a week ago. I thought the day I rose from my well-rested night, that it would just be like any other day. I was ignoring all of the signs I was receiving from you, quite frankly, from the beginning of our relationship. You made me believe that you loved me. 

I should of listened to all the other surrounding voices invading my mind, telling me that you were toxic for me. I didn’t want to believe the true signs that you gave me constantly. As they all say; love is blind.  From the start you took advantage of my love. I forgave you for any and every mistake that you made. After all, that is what love is about right? I stayed with you through anything. I was inevitably infatuated with your every move. I craved your presence in every aspect of my entire life. But in the midst of all the outrage, we did share happy moments.

I adored you. The way that I looked at you was different. Everybody could see it. They were all terrified. They knew that soon the two simple words spewing from your mouth time and time again, would break me into a million pieces. Oh if I only knew the words “It’s over”, felt like a million daggers deranged into my chest, I would’ve ran from the start. You were inescapable.

It was as if I was underneath your spell. I wanted to believe that you would not take advantage of my love. But it turns out you are no different than the last guy. The one that left me in the same exact way. If I could’ve only of seen the writing on the wall. If I could’ve seen the mess you left me. The truth of it all is, I still would’ve risked the pain to admire the great memories we created together.

All of the dates we spent admiring each others acquaintance. The laughs intertwined in our deep conversions about the universe, politics, and religion. The love we shared was undeniable. We shared a deeper connection than what the average person finds at this young of an age. You put up with my favorite movies, constant Taylor Swift album marathons, and my crazy obsession with glitter. The list goes on and on, but I wont bore you any more than what I already have. Moral of the story is, we had something. Something that will be engraved into my mind until the end of time. You left an impression on me that will never be forgotten.

Flash through eight months, and here I am writing you this post. I honestly think it will help me move on from this terrible rut I have been enduring. I am ready to move on from this stage in my life. I knew a different version of you and it wasn’t the one you are now. Its hard to believe that same person would’ve left me with no remorse. You watched me sob and you had the nerve to just say, “I’m sorry, but I just don’t feel anything anymore.” I begged and pleaded for you to stay. But I’m smarter than that. The right person won’t have to even question being with me.

So, thank you. Thank you for breaking me into a million pieces. It has helped me figured out the signs to watch out for. It also will strengthen my future relationships. Thank you for showing me what my true worth is, because trust me, I deserved more than the person you really were. I deserve the world. I wish you the best with your life and I hope and pray that someday down the road, we can meet as strangers once again. I hope that we both accomplish our hopes and dreams. But most importantly, I hope you find the person who you’re meant to be with. As I hope the same for myself.

I hope that you got exactly what you wanted out of me. I will no longer be used as just somebody sitting on your back burner. I deserve much more than that. On the other hand, I wish you all the best and through out this mess, I still love you more than words can express.

You will forever hold a special place in my heart, mind, and soul. 

Samples from: “Sunset Skies and Dimly Lit Nights.” An original poetry book.

Broken bones.”

He graced me with a perfect smile upon his face
As he placed the most magical kiss lips can taste
Mending all of my broken bones together
His presence couldn’t be detained by any weather
All of the bullet wounds surrounding my heart
Reminding me of the way I fell apart
Love will send your mind spiraling in the dark hours of the night
Reminiscing on all of the times you had to put up a fight
Demanding for him to stay
Yet all they tend to do is begin to run away
That is why our magnificent kiss haunts me in my dreams
Sadly love never is the way it seems
As much as I hoped this time would be different
I know deep in my core that it isn’t
I watch as the spot in my driveway remains empty
As you continue to love on plenty
Leaving them wondering deeply in their souls
Why their minds were left souring from their control
They fell for your same tricks
That you applied just as smoothly as the kiss you placed upon my lips
I knew I should of ran from the start
My mother always told me I was smart
I still am baffled in the way you managed to get under my skin
Why do people like you always have to win?
But I have learned my lesson this time around
As the scars you left on me are no longer profound
I will soon be ready to love again
As I no longer view my broken bones as a sin.

 

Sunflower garden.”

My soul is an alluring garden of sunflowers
Yet people never stopped to ask about the April showers.
Capturing eyes of many of they walked through the rows of my captivating heart
I wasn’t always perceived as such art.
Each divine flower representing all the times I fell down
But the thunderstorms that over came me never caused me to drown.
I rose up from the ground
As the soil surrounding me nourished me without making a sound

Soon, you wandered in.

You viewed me as remarkably beautiful
Made me believe I was proudly unmovable
I am, because I have been growing and learning for quite some time.
With love and hurt of all various kinds.
I began to realize my roots grow ever deeply in all the things that I love
Leaving me with the only apparent conclusion of growing from the ground up
I never understood why my bright and fascinating views were never enough
And if you try to disagree with me, I will call it a bluff.
You were soon the only one to stop and smell my fragrant petals
I was never used to being enough to settle
You provided me with bountiful amounts of light
You knew my life wasn’t always this bright

So, I thank you for taking a closer look
For things never are an open book

You nurtured me with light rains
Instilling the lost love deeply into my veins
As for my past lovers
They remain blinded to the fact that I needed to be discovered
They walk through various gardens
Never realizing the ground below them constantly hardens
They thought I was perfectly capable of repairing myself
Never understanding one can never completely nourish itself
I take months to achieve my full potential
But constant care is essential
I thank you for providing me with all of my needs
You knew I needed to be tended after you planted my seeds
I see you wandering through my garden quite often
My petals remarkably began to soften
The possibilities remain to be endless
My garden appears to be much more tremendous
Reminding me to always stop and smell the flowers
For the best things are not created in small hours
You have helped me progress in every way
I hope my garden is fascinating enough to make you want to stay.

 

 

 

The day my world stood still.

 

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.”- Confucius

Unlike many other pieces that I have published for my blog, this one took more than a week to process. As a writer, I am very grateful that I have a way of putting many of the vast thoughts that cross my mind, into something good for myself and others. Although, it is truly breaking my heart every time I re-visit this day In my mind.  But on the other hand, this has made me grow into an even stronger person altogether. The statement, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, remains true in my current circumstance.

It was a normal Sunday morning, as I awoke the morning of my car accident. I sat down in the morning and did my regular routine of jamming to current Taylor swift, applying my makeup, and strutting around in my romper and heels. I was heading into town for an innocent trip to the mall, getting lunch, and enjoying a day to myself.  As I gathered my purse and other miscellaneous items, I kissed my mom and told her I loved her as I walked out the door. As she would say to me every day after this incident took place, she had felt in the deep core of her gut that something horrific was to occur that day. Instead, she let me go, thinking that her motherly instincts were just flaring because this was my first trip driving alone. Little did I know, a mother is never wrong. Strangely enough, she had been right about what was to happen that day.

My drive to the mall had gone very smoothly, and I had felt very confident In myself. I enjoyed my day as I walked around the mall, grabbed food, and some new clothes that were (and still are thank god ) going to be used for my senior photos.  On my way back home, I felt as if my day had gone spectacular. I felt as if I had accomplished something very big in my eyes, seeming this was my first time driving alone in a moderately busy city.  Soon enough, my day was turned upside down. As I experienced the worst day of my entire life. All alone.

As I turned onto a busy highway, my wandering mind soon got me into a predicament that I always told people was my worst nightmare. Although I would not like to get into specific details, the last thing I remember was pulling off on the side of the road, on one of the most booming highways in Michigan. The next thing I know, I was siting in a ditch. I look down and see glass shatters surrounding my passenger seat, my windshield completely shattered, and my driver side door completely touching me. I look into the mirror that sat above me, and watched blood run down my cheek. I then realize, my  brand new car that I had not even had for more than a month, was destroyed before my very eyes. I was so confused in that moment, as I tried to recuperate myself. The next thing I know, a man has walked over and is tapping on my window that is destroyed as well, and asks me if I am okay. I reply with, “Yes I am okay.” After that much impact, I am very surprised that I had given the lovely couple that had hit me, both of my parents numbers from the back of my mind. After their phone call to my parents, they had helped me stumble out of my car. I remember everybody looking at me in shock and disbelief. I had just survived not only the accident, but with almost no scratches to my exposed body. No broken bones, a couple small bruises, and a mark from my seatbelt was all that was left on me after the impact. As I reflected in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I didn’t know how I could be so lucky. To this day, I still can’t put my finger quite on it.

As my romper is being cut into shreds, heels are taken off my feet, doctors shining lights into my eyes, and of course the endless questions that come along with a patient that has just been through this trauma; millions of thoughts continued to go through my mind. I held back my tears that wanted to go streaming down my face, and instead focused on the good things that had graced me that day. I was okay, and that will always be the most important part of this. This means that my wonderful parents, my boyfriend, my siblings, and my family and friends would not have to deal with the burden of losing me. Suddenly, my mind began to wander even more. The most prominent thought continues to be, it really is true; your life can be taken from you at any moment.  The emotions came flooding in as they released me thirty minutes later. The ride home from the hospital, I reevaluated my entire life. This is the greatest way I can place my thoughts and apprehensions into words.

This life we  are  given is never promised to us.  Your life can be taken any day, and at any moment. Before my accident, there were countless family  members and friends that I didn’t have a close to perfect relationship with, due to the fact that people are quite frankly, not remembering this concept. I had stopped talking to one of my best friends, about a month prior. I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my parents, or even my siblings at that. After this, I realized that I would’ve had to live with that burden, and they would’ve had to as well. Do not hold stupid grudges, it is never worth it. Repair your relationships and friendships as much as you can. Always tell your loved ones how much you care about them, and your true genuine feelings. I cannot stress this enough. On the other hand, appreciate everything life has to offer you. After this day, I learned to appreciate the little things in life so much more. I had begun to realize all the things I have in life I should be grateful for. I have so many great people, things, and an amazing future to continue to work towards. I have reached for my goals even more, continued to write more, and broaden my horizons in every aspect. I have not only learned to live a whole new life, but also spread my teachings to others.

I now rise early every morning, smiling. I am smiling because I know I was given another chance to live life. I continue to surround myself with my loved ones, and I cherish the thought of getting to spend the rest of my life repairing, and blossoming different aspects of my life. I get to continue to listen to the beloved Taylor swift as I do my makeup, watch my favorite movies, eat my favorite foods, learn new things, travel more, and of course learn and grow in my own personal ways. They might sound like little things to you, but I am forever grateful for everything in life that as made me who and what I am. I got a chance to live a brand new life, and I will never let that go for the world.